What the bleep do we blog?

One of the drawbacks of being a blogger – besides people thinking you are fat and unemployed (beholdin the straw in the thief’s beard) ... and execution if you live in China – is that you have to be on the constant lookout for things to blog about.

If you are writing a funny blog – this drawback bursts out of puberty, flirts with lack of imagination, has intercourse with originality, marries head-scratching and makes babies with bad-puns and poor jokes.

Two days back I drank too much but threw up only 24 hours later. Can I blog about that? It’s funny, isn’t it? The delay between the drinking and the throwing up? I mean, usually – there is no delay, but this time – there was... like a 24 hour delay. Haha. Funny.

No?

Ah – well.

Or one could just go with what’s gross. The Bureau-Of-Original-Bloggers has done research that confirms this - If you write something gross, 83% readers are likely to find it funny (in another research B.O.O.B concluded 83% of bloggers invent statistics and names of associations to give credence to their crap) Gross is always funny and will be.

However, considering what happened to me (or I brought upon myself) two days ago – grossness on this post might lead to further instances of throwing up which the Coffee Shop manager might object to.

So, I am still without a topic.

In times of joy and tragedy, when we need advice, money or a knife in the back – we approach friends. I decided to do the same. Let my friends decide what I should blog about.

It was time to call my best friend – Ayaz. My best friends for eight years or more.

Me: Hey dude, where are you? I need to ask you something?

Ayaz: Dude, I am in a flight. It was illegal to take your call right now. Is it something urgent. NO NO.. this is just a mobile phone!! I know... its not a bomb! I just got a call! I forgot to switch it off!! I am not a terro............

Click

Dammn. Should have asked the question more quickly!!

Anyways, - Masha, my best friend for eight years or more. She could certainly lend me some ideas.

I decided to call her.

Me: Hello Masha, hey, I wanted to ask you something.

Masha: Are you crazy? It’s a weekday. I’m not well. The car has a flat. My roommate is not well. I have an exam tomorrow. I have to help an old lady cross the road. I am not in town. I am on another call. I don’t feel that way about you. I am locked out of my house. I am in the hospital. I am at the airport. I am in the middle of an important meeting. Will see you over the weekend... probably.

Click

Dammn. Should have opened with the Best-Friends card.

It was time to call Anisha. Well, she was not exactly my best friends - but I had stolen her number from a contest-draw coupon at the coffee shop I visit. There was a minor altercation with the coffee-shop manager over this - but they allowed me back into the shop after I grew a beard and put on 25 Kilos and started wearing dark shades.

Me: Hey Anisha, how are you?

Anisha: When will you stop calling me?

Me: But you always pick up the phone!

Anisha: Only out of morbid curiosity.

Me: ha ha... that's funny. How about coffee sometime.

Anisha: I would rather strangle myself with a rope and hang from my ceiling in 23rd Street, 4th Cross, Jaynagar, 21st Phase, Bangalore - 57.

Me: Which Phase was that again?

Anisha: 21st

Me: ok

Anisha: Damm...

Me: ok... ditch coffee. You want to come rope-buying?

Anisha: 6 o' clock, friday, Sudarshan Hardware Store, Marathalli

Me: Cool... see you then!

Click

Dammn... should have asked her about the blog topic. Sorry... got into a pattern there.

Guess, need to call up a best friend again.... so it was time to call my best friend – Minish. My best friends for eight years or more.

Me: Hey Minish. How are you? Masha is crazy. Azzy is in jail. I am abetting a suicide. Do you have an idea that I could blog about?

Minish: Dude.. I am.. hee..hee.. haa haa.. eating... hehe.. a sandwich.. hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (this went on for another seven minutes).... it’s awesome dude... i love you... blog... ha ha.. u know... u shud write a blog about how you called me up to ask about a blog... its called blogging in the moment dude... heeee.... blogomenting....

Me: ok

Alternative Careers in Parallel Universes

Friends, you might not know this, but before I took upon me this self-claimed trinity-mantle of the creator of confidence, the preserver of team-spirit and the destroyer of limitations - I actually thought of choosing other professions.

What follows is a tale of what could have been.

One of the possible futures that strongly hurtled towards me - as a truck hurtles towards a hapless dog on Grand Trunk Road, yet - twisted and turned in the intercourse of fate and destiny.... alas.... bypassed me - as a local bus or train bypasses the timid could-have-been passenger.

First, of course I decided to be an astronaut...

This was till one day Professor Pathak proclaimed in the physics lecture:

Since by now, we have covered the three laws of Keppler and the three laws of motion, we will go forward and discuss the three laws of thermodynamics but not without discussing the Schrodinger (with two dots on top of 'o') equation, all the while remembering the Heisenber
Uncertainty principle which says the position and speed of an atom cannot be ascertained with complete certainty... okay guys?"

As my colleagues licked their their lips, and took furtive notes... I had a strange spiritual experience. I felt I was floating somewhere between clouds, the stars looking at me with beseeching eyes and laughing... "astronaut"... heh heh... they seemed to say... sounds
similar to ass-through-knot ... isn't it!!

It was then, that in a burst of inspiration... I decided to be an actor....

The drama, the ability to wear numerous masks in a day, the ability to bring forth a myriad of emotions, the sheer love of performance... attracted me towards the profession of acting (er.... did I mention pretty girls, crazy money and raving fans?)

This I pursued with dedication. Unlike the other attempt, this idea was carried from the stage of ideation to action.

After several profound roles in different plays in a time span of 10 years, in which I played a bus-passenger (once) , a table (14 times), a chair (7 times)... on deep introspection - I realized one day that my talent might not be getting the due it deserves...

When I brought up the topic casually for discussion with my play director, he convinced me that he was such an excellent director - he could get a rock at end-point to emote....... but not me.

If I wanted to stay in acting... I must learn to carefully observe trees, plants, tables and chair... coz' those are the only roles I am ever going to get....

I realized it was time to say goodbye to acting before people began to realize that guy playing the part of the table was not doing it really well.

A could-have-been-legend bowed out....

Next I decided to be a poet...

The sheer art, the sheer rhythm, the sheer music, the sheer symmetry
in poetry excited every fiber in my body...

Excited, I sat down to pen the words that would make me famous... and a hundred years into the yonder... students would read poems written by Keats, Wordsworth, Abhishek and Tennyson....

I wrote down the first line of my soon to be eternal poem, which I reproduce here (copyrighted and all that, by the way!!) ....

THE POEM!!!

There is no word that rhymes with orange...
............
...........
...........
...........
...........
............

Three hours and a severely scratched head later, my career as a poet was over.

I wish I were a girl and married !

It's happening!!

"You are currently using 2865 MB (99%) of your 2883 MB" is what my gmail account tells me disdainfully everytime i log in...

The unlimited e-mails dream seems to be coming to an end.

It is in times like this, that I ponder philosophically and find myself wishing that I were a girl and married.

If I were a girl and married, I could have simply opted for the new surname and opened a new e-mail account... stroking the male-ego (and the mail-ego) of my could-have-been husband and getting a brand new gmail account with an extremely plausible explanation for doing so!!

Shucks!!

And Abhishek Kumar happens to be such a common peasant name that all the Abhisheks have populated this planet, whether they are Kulkarnis or Khannas or Khandwals....

abhishekk, kabhishek, abhishekkumar, kumarabhishek, abhik, abhikumar, kumarabhi, kabhi, abhik are taken ; even... sheks, abhisheks are simply taken!!

If I were a girl and married to say a "Borkar"... I am sure abhishekborkar would be available... or abhishekzile or abhishekbangda.... of course, the debate continues if i would still be called abhishek if i were a girl... or if I would like to keep my original name

and single girls out there (if any) here is a word of advice... choose a guy with an extremely weird last name... it might make your life miserable... but will get you an excellent e-mail id !!

Donkey's Ass

A friend has been pestering me for about a year that I should write a humor-only blog. This is primarily because every time I speak to him over the phone, he finds himself laughing, guffawing, rofling etc. I have tried to explain away my impact as his low standards for humor and general good nature.

However, this resulted in him sending me 15 blog links everyday, asking me to read them. In the process, the unwritten text always said (or so I felt) "You... you could do better"

So, it is with this enormous expectation hanging over my head that I have started this blog. I am determined to write a funny blog, but not as determined as not having to read 15 irrelevant not-so-funny blog posts everyday.

There you go.

Here is my first funny for the day.

My friends are extremely disappointed. This primarily means that they have been dis-appointed. Which means... fired! ha ha ha...

shuddering already?

there is lots more to come.

PS: The post is called Doneky's Ass because that is where the Doneky's tail begins.