What the bleep do we blog?

One of the drawbacks of being a blogger – besides people thinking you are fat and unemployed (beholdin the straw in the thief’s beard) ... and execution if you live in China – is that you have to be on the constant lookout for things to blog about.

If you are writing a funny blog – this drawback bursts out of puberty, flirts with lack of imagination, has intercourse with originality, marries head-scratching and makes babies with bad-puns and poor jokes.

Two days back I drank too much but threw up only 24 hours later. Can I blog about that? It’s funny, isn’t it? The delay between the drinking and the throwing up? I mean, usually – there is no delay, but this time – there was... like a 24 hour delay. Haha. Funny.

No?

Ah – well.

Or one could just go with what’s gross. The Bureau-Of-Original-Bloggers has done research that confirms this - If you write something gross, 83% readers are likely to find it funny (in another research B.O.O.B concluded 83% of bloggers invent statistics and names of associations to give credence to their crap) Gross is always funny and will be.

However, considering what happened to me (or I brought upon myself) two days ago – grossness on this post might lead to further instances of throwing up which the Coffee Shop manager might object to.

So, I am still without a topic.

In times of joy and tragedy, when we need advice, money or a knife in the back – we approach friends. I decided to do the same. Let my friends decide what I should blog about.

It was time to call my best friend – Ayaz. My best friends for eight years or more.

Me: Hey dude, where are you? I need to ask you something?

Ayaz: Dude, I am in a flight. It was illegal to take your call right now. Is it something urgent. NO NO.. this is just a mobile phone!! I know... its not a bomb! I just got a call! I forgot to switch it off!! I am not a terro............

Click

Dammn. Should have asked the question more quickly!!

Anyways, - Masha, my best friend for eight years or more. She could certainly lend me some ideas.

I decided to call her.

Me: Hello Masha, hey, I wanted to ask you something.

Masha: Are you crazy? It’s a weekday. I’m not well. The car has a flat. My roommate is not well. I have an exam tomorrow. I have to help an old lady cross the road. I am not in town. I am on another call. I don’t feel that way about you. I am locked out of my house. I am in the hospital. I am at the airport. I am in the middle of an important meeting. Will see you over the weekend... probably.

Click

Dammn. Should have opened with the Best-Friends card.

It was time to call Anisha. Well, she was not exactly my best friends - but I had stolen her number from a contest-draw coupon at the coffee shop I visit. There was a minor altercation with the coffee-shop manager over this - but they allowed me back into the shop after I grew a beard and put on 25 Kilos and started wearing dark shades.

Me: Hey Anisha, how are you?

Anisha: When will you stop calling me?

Me: But you always pick up the phone!

Anisha: Only out of morbid curiosity.

Me: ha ha... that's funny. How about coffee sometime.

Anisha: I would rather strangle myself with a rope and hang from my ceiling in 23rd Street, 4th Cross, Jaynagar, 21st Phase, Bangalore - 57.

Me: Which Phase was that again?

Anisha: 21st

Me: ok

Anisha: Damm...

Me: ok... ditch coffee. You want to come rope-buying?

Anisha: 6 o' clock, friday, Sudarshan Hardware Store, Marathalli

Me: Cool... see you then!

Click

Dammn... should have asked her about the blog topic. Sorry... got into a pattern there.

Guess, need to call up a best friend again.... so it was time to call my best friend – Minish. My best friends for eight years or more.

Me: Hey Minish. How are you? Masha is crazy. Azzy is in jail. I am abetting a suicide. Do you have an idea that I could blog about?

Minish: Dude.. I am.. hee..hee.. haa haa.. eating... hehe.. a sandwich.. hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (this went on for another seven minutes).... it’s awesome dude... i love you... blog... ha ha.. u know... u shud write a blog about how you called me up to ask about a blog... its called blogging in the moment dude... heeee.... blogomenting....

Me: ok

I wish I were a girl and married !

It's happening!!

"You are currently using 2865 MB (99%) of your 2883 MB" is what my gmail account tells me disdainfully everytime i log in...

The unlimited e-mails dream seems to be coming to an end.

It is in times like this, that I ponder philosophically and find myself wishing that I were a girl and married.

If I were a girl and married, I could have simply opted for the new surname and opened a new e-mail account... stroking the male-ego (and the mail-ego) of my could-have-been husband and getting a brand new gmail account with an extremely plausible explanation for doing so!!

Shucks!!

And Abhishek Kumar happens to be such a common peasant name that all the Abhisheks have populated this planet, whether they are Kulkarnis or Khannas or Khandwals....

abhishekk, kabhishek, abhishekkumar, kumarabhishek, abhik, abhikumar, kumarabhi, kabhi, abhik are taken ; even... sheks, abhisheks are simply taken!!

If I were a girl and married to say a "Borkar"... I am sure abhishekborkar would be available... or abhishekzile or abhishekbangda.... of course, the debate continues if i would still be called abhishek if i were a girl... or if I would like to keep my original name

and single girls out there (if any) here is a word of advice... choose a guy with an extremely weird last name... it might make your life miserable... but will get you an excellent e-mail id !!